strawberryaid
by archy the cockroach
Summary: five things that never happen to riku. [oc.sora, onesided riku.sora, larxene.vexen.marluxia.axel]


**Strawberryaid

* * *

**

"Ack, Riku! Just drop the subject!" moaned Sora, wanting more than anything to just leave the room. His best friend kept pushing the subject of the 'malevolent, bad-mannered boyfriend' that Sora seemed to have acquired. Riku scowled, hands planted on his hips as he glared daggers at the younger.

Nose to the sky in annoyance, Riku continued bothering the smaller brunette. "Sora, he's bad news. He's lazy—"

"Like you."

"-rude-"

"Again, like you."

"-flirtatious, you know he could cheat on you!-"

"Once more, with feeling!"

Riku sighed, shaking his head. "Sora, the point is that he's not good enough for you," stated the older teen, glaring at his best friend, across the separating fence. Their morning visits in the back yard were common—they did it almost every morning; but lately, their conversations all seemed to be the same.

Flicking a finger outward, as if to accentuate his point, Riku continued. "Besides, he acts like he's still in denial." Sora's lower lip jutted in a semi-pout, a familiar expression to the silver-haired boy.

"Aww, why do you say that?" Sora grumbled, leaning on the white-painted fence. The white strands of cracking paint scratched his arms, but he didn't much care. "You think he doesn't really like me?"

Riku's visage fell. Crossing his arms, now, he tilted his head upward, looking very much like his usual cocky self—even though his hair was sleep-mussed and he was wearing his older sister's Barbie sweatpants. "I never said _that_," stated Riku. _I mean, who could not-like you? _"It's just… he seems like he doesn't know what the hell he's doing."

Sora scoffed, though a mischievous grin quickly took up residence on his face. "Oh, he knows what he's doing," said the boy, nearly imitating a chipmunk with his facial expression. "Especially when he does that thing with his tongue—"

Riku cut him off with a well-placed smack to the nose. Sora cried out, and backpedaled, holding onto his poor little nose. "Ow, that hurt!" said the brunette, promptly throwing a punch back to the older boy. It landed against the silver-haired boy's chest, and Riku stumbled a little bit. Sora was a hell of a lot stronger than he looked.

Wrinkling his features in distaste, Sora continued speaking. "Riku, if you don't like him, whatever. But I'm _dating _Kory, and you have to get used to that, okay?" The elder shook his head, rolling his eyes as he did so. _Why is he so angry?_

They stood in silence for a moment, before their peace was interrupted by a so-called neighbor. The man was probably twenty, and didn't live in the house that he was at. Meeting the adjoining fence, he looked at his two neighbors rather meticulously, before breaking out in to a full-blown grin. "Troubles? I could hear you two bitching through the kitchen window," said the red headed man, leaning on the fence as well. Riku stared at him in dislike, but Sora was all-too-happy to talk.

"Hey, man," laughed Sora, rather amused, "It's not as bad as hearing _you _screaming from the bedroom window." The red head's grin just increased, and Riku was even _more _confused. He quickly caught on, though. Grimacing, he attempted to recall who exactly lived in the particular house the smirking green eyed man had emerged from.

And then it hit him; Vexen's house.

Oh.

Once Riku was sufficiently creeped out, Sora informed his slightly older friend that the man was named Axel. When Riku raised an eyebrow, Axel jovially responded; "How could you _not _know my name? Christ, this kid is uninformed."

"Why the hell should I know your name?" snarled Riku, switching his weight to his left leg. He looked very much like a pissed off little girl, or a very gay man. Either way, the look worked for Riku.

Axel scoffed. "Everybody knows my name. After all, I'm the one who roofed Professor Vexen's cactus two years ago; after he failed me for twelfth grade biology. And then proceeded to set his fucking office on fire," said the red head, grinning. Riku winced, not fully understanding the situation. Axel placed a hand over his lips, snickering to himself. "I was famous!"

Sora just beamed. "Of course, after that, you kind of wound up… at his house." Axel just nodded, and Riku quickly left the conversation and the lawn, retreating back into his house. He had no ears for a twenty year old who somehow found his way into his forty-something year old ex-science professor's bed.

After a few minutes of idle chit-chat, Sora's mother decided it was also prime-time to call him inside, as well. The brunette gave Axel a cheery wave, before skipping merrily back into his own house like Dorothy back from Oz. Axel just shook his head, wondering if it was time to wake Vexen up. Or make pancakes.

After all, Vexen _always _woke up when there were pancakes involved.

* * *

Sora hated school. Sora hated homework. Sora hated school and homework. 

Though, he didn't mind the people who came along with it.

After a tiring day, slaving away in front of a desk and getting writers cramp from the oodles of notes that Mr. Emery had forced them to copy. Sora swore to god that the humongous sideburns the teacher had supplied the man with the extra energy he needed to do all of that talking and writing and talking and writing and talking and writing.

After school was always the best, though. Kory had walked home with him, the two of them hand-in-hand the entire way. Of course, it was much to Riku's disappointment; and Sora's. The younger hadn't exactly wanted his best friend around. After all, Riku seemed oddly angered by Kory's being-there. Kory, of course, being the type of person he was just shrugged it off, and teasingly accused Riku of being jealous.

It was after that particular comment that Riku not-so-accidentally jammed his foot out in front of Kory and sent him hurtling forward, nose-diving straight into pavement.

Unfortunately, after that particular epidemic, Kory was rather angered at Riku, but didn't really vocalize it; for Sora's sake. Though, he did sport a matching bruised nose with his boyfriend. Sora attempted to laugh it off, but an air of discomfort hung heavily in the air.

Once to Sora's house, they got greeted by a rather overzealous Tia and a large plate of cookies. The small brunette's mother always did have a way of lightening the mood. Barreling down to the basement, the three disagreeable teens sat on the basement floor, using the television as background noise as they _attempted _to help Sora with his math homework.

And it was widely known that Sora _loathed _math.

While Riku had passed his 9th grade math class with flying colours, it wasn't really Kory's strong suit. He was all right at it, but some of the more advanced stuff really confused him. Both of the tenth graders stared at their younger friend, as he attempted to make sense of trigonometry.

After about twenty minutes, though, Sora (with a mouth full of cookie) announced that he gave up. Riku was the first one to make fun of Sora for being a push-over, but at Sora's slight dismay, Kory was there to poke fun at Riku as well. "He's no push-over! Usually, he'll just drop to his hands and knees, instead."

Riku just blinked. The youngest of the three giggled at Kory's words, before Riku smacked him on the back of the head and silenced him. Obviously, the silver-haired boy was pissed off. Getting to his feet, Riku snorted and promptly marched out of the room, most likely to leave the house as well.

Kory just kind of winced, looking over to Sora. "Was it something I said?" he asked, rather numbly. Sora shook his head, grinning.

"Naw, Riku's always kind of like that," said the younger, rocking back and forth in his cross-legged position. He was really quite fidgety when it came down to it.

Kory arched an eyebrow, leaning back on his arms. "Like what?" inquired the older, trying to ignore the fact that Sora was steadily getting closer to him. At the question, the younger boy half-laughed.

"Mean, arrogant and a general snob," said the brunet, before invading Kory's personal space to pull a strand of dirty blonde hair out of the boy's eyes. The older flinched a little bit, but didn't do much else.

Regaining his composure, Kory said; "His symptoms sound like permanent PMS. We should buy him some Midol." Sora grinned, obviously entertained by his boyfriend's sense of humor. Cocking his head, the older inquired, "If he's like that all of the time, why are you friends with him?"

Sora bit his lip in thought. "Well, he's nice to me. I think he just gets mean around other people." Around the point that Kory was observing the brunette's facial expressions, he let his guard down. And at that very moment, a very sneaky Sora snuck a sneaky little grope on an especially surprised schoolboy. Jumping at the sudden pressure on his groin, Kory backpedaled and blushed all at once.

"Hey! That wasn't very nice," said Kory, scowling. Sora feigned innocence, giving that angelic little smile he usually did. Usually, people took Sora as some sort of savior, when in reality he was just a teenage boy.

Crawling forward until he was plunked down right in Kory's lap, the brunet smiled. "I thought it was nice," snickered the younger, even as the dirty blonde attempted to squirm away. He wasn't used to being touched by other guys, after all. It had only been recently that he'd even attempted dating another guy, after much forcing by his older sister Gabby. He'd drunkenly revealed to her, once, that he thought Tidus (who'd lived down the street) had a nice ass. She had become convinced he was gay or bisexual at least, and sent herself out on a man-hunt for a perfect boyfriend for her brother.

Luckily, she'd discovered Sora. The two boys hit it off immediately, and were close friends before Sora (who was a self-proclaimed pansexual) made the first move. Their personalities fit well enough, but Kory still wasn't entirely comfortable with the more physical side of a relationship.

"Well of course _you'd _think it was nice," grumbled Kory, shaking his head. "You got to feel up a 'venom-cock'. Anybody would be proud to do that." Sora broke out in copious giggles, burying his face in the crook of the older boy's neck.

"You're such a dork," muttered the younger, upon finally calming down a little bit. Kory smirked, ready to come up with some kind of joke.

Of course, it was around that time that Tia was finally noticed. She'd been watching the entire time. With a camera.

"Aww, you two are so _cute_!"

* * *

Riku was in his backyard. He had nowhere else to go for the afternoon, so he retreated to the three-way fence where he usually talked with Sora. Some guy with a mullet and a watering can was out in Vexen's backyard, and Riku found himself wondering who the brunet was. "Hey, you," he called, rather haughtily. 

The tall man inclined his head, a look of pure murder written on his face. Riku's upper lip curled; he could tell he already didn't like this guy. But at the same time, he was curious to know who the hell he was. "Are you whatshisface's gardener? You seem to like those flowers a lot, you pansy," grumbled the silver haired boy. He was obviously still in a bad mood.

The older man's grip on his watering can tightened. "Hold your tongue you arrogant little asshat," snarled the long-haired man, placing one hand on his hip. He looked extremely gay and also a little bit sloppy in sweatpants—though, that skin-tight wifebeater did outline his toned chest. Riku found himself staring. "I'm no slave of this flowerbed."

Placing his watering can on the ground, the brunet stalked over to the fence. Riku found himself backing away from the railing, just because the guy was a hell of a lot bigger than he looked. Giving a seemingly pleasant smile, the man leaned over the fence, looking Riku straight in the eye. The boy was tall for his age, but the man was taller still. "My name is Marluxia. Why do you ask?"

"Because yesterday, some guy named Axel was here," deadpanned Riku. "Are you fucking Vexen? Because you sure look like a pussy little queen. If so, you're getting cheated on." At this comment, Riku received an eyebrow raise and a slight smile.

"Oh, no one's getting cheated on. I assure you," said Marluxia, rolling his fingernails against the planks of wood. Riku just blinked. After a moment of awkward silence, noise was emitted from the open window of Vexen's kitchen.

"Argh, fuck, Marluxia! You fucked up the toaster, and now it smells like burnt in my damn kitchen! Vexen's going to kick your ass for wrecking the toaster!"

Riku blinked. Axel was in there too?

And then it all clicked.

_Oh_.

Riku whirled around and high-tailed it back into his house. He didn't need any strange dreams about three men in his head.

Marluxia rolled his eyes, turning back to the petunias. They needed some lovin's, after all. Watering can in hand once more, he set back to work, tending to his babies.

"Fuck, Vexen! How many open bottles of salad dressing do you need in the damn refrigerator? You fuckin' slob! Augh! What are you doing? Stop touching me! I have work to do! This isn't fai—"

All was quiet.

Save for the moans emitting from Vexen's house.

* * *

"Look, Sora! Seriously, Kory's an asshole. You should dump him," stated Riku, his words a little muffled over the six French fries sticking out of his mouth. Sora rolled his eyes, snatching a few of the fries from Riku's plate and shoving them in his mouth. 

"Whatever, Riku. You're just being mean, now," said the small brunet, tempted to smash his head against the table. Lunch at school was such a mundane thing, especially when the cafeteria always seemed to be so damn crowded.

Riku snorted, taking a gulp of soda before continuing. "That shit he pulled yesterday was fucking awful. You're not easy," said the boy, referring to the 'drop to his knees' comment. _Yeah, you're not easy. I would know._

"He was just joking!" whined the younger, eyes large with discontent. "It's not like _you _don't make perverted comments like that." Riku frowned. Well, it was true. He often poked fun at the fact that Sora dated men, but really, he was a little bit envious that Sora never saw him as more than a friend. Riku wasn't gay, per se, but he certainly wasn't straight either. He wasn't attracted to men, but Sora… well, there was something special about Sora. Riku didn't understand his feelings, himself, so he doubted that Sora would, either.

When Riku didn't respond immediately, Sora pulled himself to his feet and gathered his books. "Whatever, Riku. I'm going to go find Kory, he should be out, soon," said the brunet, his voice a little bit sad. Riku just waved him away, not wanting to be bothered.

It was around that point that Riku was noticed by a particularly 'involved' teacher. Her name was Larxene Spalding, and she was one of those typical 'Holy shit she's hot, I wanna do her' type of teachers. She was notoriously credited for her obsession with smut, and was a published erotica writer; she apparently specialized in S&M type writing. Riku was actually amazed that a public schooling system would've hired her. Despite the fact that she peddled smut, she was an accomplished English teacher.

"You're an ass, kiddo."

Riku whirled around to come nose-to-nose with the short blonde woman. She was bent over, staring him in the face with an incredulous expression plastered on her visage. Riku jumped, knocking over his empty soda can as he did so. Larxene sat herself on the table, raising an eyebrow as she replaced the soda can to its upright position. "What the hell are you talking about?" roared Riku, quieting his voice as he realized he was addressing a teacher.

"You about made that kid cry," said Larxene, grinning. "You also kind of looked like you wanted to flip him over and fuck him. Violently. Jealous, much?" Riku scowled—he wasn't about to talk about his long-running crush on Sora with a _teacher_.

"Excuse me, Ms. Spalding, but I don't really feel like talking about it," he said, as calmly as possible. "And I did **not **want to 'flip him over and fuck him', as you so eloquently put it. I just think his boyfriend's a dick." He moodily shoved some fries into a small mountain of ketchup before forcing them into his mouth and chewing noisily.

Larxene's nose crinkled in disgust. "Ugh. Men," she muttered, rolling her eyes. Unfortunately, she didn't realize that one particular _man _was standing right behind her. "You need to let him do what he frickin' wants."

"Christ, Larxene. Have some tact. You're giving the eighth graders a delightful look up your skirt," said Vexen, his voice smooth and deep and oh so British. His voice alone made middle-aged women swoon.

Larxene grinned. Riku was wide eyed and sporting a twitching lip. "Like 'em, Vexy? Hot pink silk, just for you," she said, feigning girlish giggling. But, wait, wasn't Vexen gay and sleeping with two men?

"I prefer the ice blue thong, myself."

Oh.

Deciding he'd rather not hear about the foursome relationship between his two teachers, a gardening little pansy and a former student, Riku bolted to his feet, left his remaining lunch and _ran _like a little pussy out of the cafeteria.

Larxene just smiled. Vexen shook his head, raising a thin eyebrow as he did so. "Damn, love. You're such a sadist."

"You would know. But hey, we're out of candles. And I want a new pair of handcuffs. Marluxia broke my last pair…"

* * *

Riku, unknowingly, was walking in on Kory and Sora in a rather… exposed predicament. His best friend had his shirt off and his pants undone, and was rapidly working on removing Kory's clothes. Riku cleared his throat noisily, and both Kory and Sora shamefully collected their bearings and wondering how in the hell Riku got into the house. 

Once Kory had embarrassedly excused himself from the room, Riku set hell bent eyes on Sora. "…I can't believe you," muttered the silver haired boy, shaking his head. Sora's face was red, and he was obviously angered at his best friend.

"Look, Riku, if you can't accept the fact that I'm dating a _guy_—"

Sora quickly found himself cornered, with Riku hovering over him like some kind of deranged psychopath. Swallowing heavily, Sora glared up at the older boy, not wanting to be controlled like he was. "It's not the fact that you're dating a guy," began Riku, his voice unsure. "It's just—"

Riku was thrown over, pushed onto the floor, head narrowly missing the edge of Sora's bed. The smaller brunet sat on Riku's stomach, leaning forward to pin the older boy's hands behind his head. Riku struggled, a little impressed by how strong Sora had gotten. When Riku finally calmed down, Sora gave him a sympathetic smile. "It's just the fact that I'm not dating _you_, right?"

Riku paled. _…How did he know?_

Sora grinned, as if he was a mind reader. "C'mon, Riku. Of course I can tell you like me." Sora pouted, cheeks ballooning outward as he did so. "I'm not _that _stupid, stupid."

Riku slowly got to his elbows, letting Sora slide down into his lap as he did so. The younger just grinned, and Riku shook his head in response. "…But, if you knew, and you like guys… why would you--?"

"Ask you out?" interrupted Sora, his expression turning slightly melancholic. "Well, Riku… I do like you. You're my best friend. But, I don't want to change that." Riku raised a skeptical eyebrow.

"I mean, like, what if we ever broke up? I don't want to jeopardize our friendship," said the brunet, laughing uncomfortably. Riku understood what the boy was talking about, but it still didn't seem quite fair. "Besides, I'm sure Kory will let you sneak a few cuddles."

Riku laughed lightly, glad that Sora could always lighten the mood in the bizarre way that he did. He leaned forward, touching his forehead to Sora's, the two of them literally nose-to-nose. He could even smell the mint ice cream on Sora's breath. "All right," mumbled Riku, glad that Sora wasn't angry at him. "…But if he ever does anything bad to you… I'll always be ready to kick his ass." He backed away, giving a one-shouldered shrug. "Of to catch you on the rebound."

Sora offered a half-grin. "All right, Riku."

Around then, Kory cautiously poked his head into the doorway, laughing nervously. "Uh, is it okay if I come in?" he murmured, avoiding the fact that his boyfriend was sitting on another boy's lap. Sora bounded over to the blonde, engulfing him in a bear hug.

The three of them spent the afternoon being, well, teenage boys. They played video games, drank copious amounts of soda and ate far too much fatty, greasy food. Though, when Tia came up with a plate full of carrots and _demanded _that the boys eat some healthy things, the boys begrudgingly did. Only then, with a carrot in his mouth, did Kory realize that Tia had seized the PS2 and was kicking Hanzo Hattori's ass across the screen with Kunoichi.

Despite the fact that Riku still felt somewhat cheated, he left the house that day feeling a little bit more content. Though, as soon as he exited the house, he swore to god that he could hear shrieks of pain emitting from Vexen's house.

Riku blinked. "Is someone dying?"

After a moment, the shrieks turned into… something else.

_OH._

**End.**

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A/N: Yes, Tia made an appearance. I'm sorry, I'm sorry! She just makes such a cute mommy for Sora! And yes, an OC fiction from archy. I never ever write them, but this was an exchange fic for a very special friend! **Rietalienko** at She drew me the pic of Daisy (from _gin and sin_) in my profile. 

P.S. I'll take this time to pimp my writing journal **offencurae** at I post a lot more stuff there than I do here, that's for sure. So please, take the time to visit it-- it's worth it, I promise.


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